Starting this Blog and why being a Mother is hard, sometimes.

I have tried for over 4 years now to keep a blog going. (This one even use to be a marriage blog) I haven't been very successful at it. Except for when I did the 365 blog with my sister. You can view that here. We were required to take a picture everyday and blog about it. It was hard work. Doing a blog is hard work, and now that I have a child, blogging was the last thing on my mind. However, after talking to other moms and finding that they have felt the same way as me, I have decided to blog about being a mom. With a challenge. For a whole year, I want to find at least one thing EVERYDAY that brings me joy in being a mom. (Now before you judge, hear me out).

Here's how this came about:
Since I was little, I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. My mom was, and I loved that she always there when we came home from school and was often part of the PTA/PTO. It was my ultimate goal in life to raise a family. Then I got to college and realized that I wanted to work for a while before being a mom. I had spent the money and hard work to get a degree and I wanted to use it. I wasn't married yet, so I figured I had time. I ended up getting married 1 year after I graduated. Steven and I often talked about having kids in the future. I wanted to work for a few years before having kids and Steven was thinking about two years. We never really planned on a specific time. I didn't get into the career of my choice until shortly after we were married. I worked a year at HISD as an athletic trainer and half way through that year we found out I was pregnant. It was planned, but that's another story for another day.

Pregnancy is not fun. I felt sick the first 3 months and was working full-time. Of course I felt fat and I swelled...A LOT. I was naïve and never considered pregnancy to be THAT hard. I probably complained more then I was entitled to. I went through a range of emotions throughout pregnancy, excitement, nervousness, terror, and sometimes regret (I felt like, "what have I done?, I can't be a mom"). Near the end, my excitement took over. When she first arrived, it was new and exciting and then it all slowly sank in for me...(I'm going to be quite candid because this is truly how I felt and I'm sure some moms can relate).

Everyone tells you it's hard, but they never go into much detail. They even joke and say "don't have kids, stay young as long as you can!" But they're kidding...right?!
Well, to an extent.
Before you have the baby you just think...
"I'll take the baby wherever I go. If I want to go out to eat, we will just take the baby. Life will be the same, we just have a 3rd person."
 Not. True.
In the first week I realized most spontaneous opportunities will be gone. Say goodbye to sleep, movies, and doing anything on my own schedule.
Some days all I do is hold a baby, all day, and think "is this what I'm going to be doing the rest of my life?"
I had thoughts of running away, of being in the past when it was just Steven and I, and even thoughts of when I was single and could go anywhere and do anything. Now I'm at home. ALL. DAY. watching a little person who doesn't even know she has hands.
Sometimes the baby just cries and cries, and after doing everything I could possibly think of, she cries some more.
I thought, I can't even get this baby to stop crying how in the world can I keep her living?
I thought back on my mom and how awesome she must have been to have raised 6 of these.
Some days it was just me and her crying ALL day. together.   
Most days I thought, Do I even love this child? Because sometimes I feel like I hate her. She just cries at me and I give her everything.
I often thought that maybe we jumped into this whole parent thing too quickly. I didn't accomplish enough, I didn't work long enough. I didn't "live" long enough.
I thought why do I want to do this all day? Why did I choose to be a stay-at-home mom? Would I feel more accomplished if I was working?*
Then I thought, do I love my child because I'm having these horrible thoughts about her? I must not be a good mom. I can't do this!
I later learned that these thoughts are all natural!
*Disclaimer: This is NOT a stab at working mothers. They are awesome. I know that lots of moms don't have the opportunity to be at home, and others choose to work. I have friends who do both. They are not any less of a mom.

With lots of prayer and support, slowly, those negative thoughts started to die and I realized the happy moments and the value of being a mother. I realized that I'm still "living" and can still have the same goals and desires I've always had, they just might be on a different timeline. Some weeks these happy moments are few, but other weeks they multiply daily. 

Every baby is different. This is sometimes a hard fact. If all babies were the same, and came with the same handbook, mothers everywhere would have it a lot easier. My baby was born with the ability to cry, ALL. THE. TIME. (and this is NOT an exaggeration) She was a very colicky baby. All she did was cry, until she was about 4 months old. She still cries today, but its A LOT less. However, my daughter is 5 1/2 months old now, and I still struggle with being a mom. Some days it's hard to accept that I'm at this point in my life, and some days I wish I brought home the bacon, and my husband was the caregiver. In fact, most days are really hard for me. However, there are those days where Raelyn just melts my heart, and I love to watch her grow and experience new things.

I really admire the moms who just go into motherhood loving every minute of it. I also admire moms that have it much harder than me i.e. twins, triplets, or even quints. Mothers who have lost a child, miscarried, or have a child born with a disability, even mothers who are trying, but haven't had the opportunity yet to be a mom. Yet, they still find the strength to continue on and find happiness doing it. Those mothers give me hope, inspiration, and strength. My heart goes out to them.

I am very fortunate to have a healthy baby, and a loving and supporting husband. We have family close by that help out a lot, and I have awesome friends including mommy friends who support me as well. But, some days being a mom is just hard. Since I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, I thought it was easy. I thought it would be fun, and I thought it was going to bring me the ultimate happiness. (which is still possible it just hasn't happened yet). In fact, because it is so hard for me, I have decided to challenge myself to find the good in it. I know there is joy in it, and I know that as she grows each day there will be something new that's awesome, and something new that's hard. So, everyday for the next year. (Until February 6th of 2015) I am going to write something everyday that I love about being a mom. My blog isn't to complain about being a mom, but to write about the hard times that hopefully other moms can relate with. To also talk about what has made me happy about being a mom, even in the hard times. I know that I'm a new mom, so my hard times are going to be different than other moms' hard times. However, all moms go through their hard times.

I hope to eventually get comments from other moms who can relate, or who would like to share how they find the strength each day to keep going, or moms who love it everyday, or who feel inspired, or who have a story to tell. I have lots of stories to tell about my journey in becoming and being a mom.

I know that I love my daughter, and I know that I will one day look around at my grown children and be grateful that the Lord entrusted ME to be their mother. This is just my HARD and JOYOUS adventure getting there. ;)