Colic

Before having Raelyn, like most mothers, I read up on a few things. I bought the book Babywise. (It is a really good read if you are becoming a new mom. It has helped me a lot, and I often refer back to it). I read, well more like skimmed, through the sections on colicky babies. I was so sure that wouldn't happen to MY child. I was going to do everything perfectly, so she couldn't possibly be colicky.

I was WAY wrong.

About a week and a half after her birth, Raelyn started crying several times throughout the day, for no reason at all. There was nothing I could do to get her to stop. Sometimes I could feed her, and she would stop. In the beginning, feeding her was all I did, just about all day. It was the only thing that would make the crying stop.

Eventually the crying got worse and worse. Most days she cried all day, for no reason at all. She wouldn't sleep, and I tried everything I could do to get her to sleep. Nothing was working. I tried to just entertain her with the swing, but she just screamed her head off. I tried rocking her but she did everything she could to fight it. I tried laying her on her stomach, on her back, showing her toys, talking to her, and singing to her. Nothing worked. We were both just crying all day.

All those thoughts that I wrote about in the beginning were really strong on most of these days. The connection that I really loved her unconditionally didn't seem to come for me, which is another reason that I really struggled. I thought that I didn't love my child, and that she hated me. I blamed myself for her unhappiness, and just told myself that I wasn't meant to be a mom. I just wasn't good at it.

For a long time I denied that she was colicky. I refused to believe it. Not my child. (as if its a reflection on you) When I finally gave in to the fact that she was, and that I wasn't a bad mother, I started to research it more, which unfortunately didn't help. The worst thing about a colicky baby is that there is NO cure for it, and doctors don't really know the cause. Sure, you can try different things, and MAYBE they will work for a certain period of time, but there is no prescription that the doctor can give you to make it go away.

Here are most of the theories out there: (all that I've heard anyway)

Colic is when babies digestive system isn't fully developed so their stomachs are constantly upset. This is hard because then you feel guilty for laying them down because you don't want them to be in pain alone. Don't feel guilty. They handle it better than you think, and they won't be scarred because of it. It took me forever to come to this realization. (And when I say put them down I don't mean neglect.) Steven and I tried different formulas: sensitive, hypo allergic, gentle, fussiness. None of them worked. We tried using Colic Calm, which is just an all-natural substance like gripe water that is suppose to help calm the stomach of gas and other intestinal issues. This can work for some people. It didn't for us. We also started buying gas drops, to no avail.

Colic is when babies are over sensitized. There is too much going on around them that overwhelms their senses. Their neurological system is not fully developed so they have an overload of everything going on around them. You have to have the right amount of wake time, but make sure you calm them down and in a sense "turn off" their senses in order for them to calm down enough to sleep, or just be calm. We tried several different strategies to calm her down and get her to sleep, but it just didn't work.

Colic is a sleep disorder. They don't know how to sleep, and the longer they go without it, the harder it gets. When they don't sleep everything else gets thrown off, especially their eating habits.

Colic is probably a combination of all of them, and something that can only be cured with time. We tried so many options, and each time I would get my hopes up. I thought, maybe this will work this time, and I will be freed from a crying baby. It never did. I realized that it was just going to take time. How much time? I did not know.

Little by little Steven and I learned little things that would make her happy. If you rocked and bounced her a certain way with loud music playing, she would fall asleep, but only for 30 minutes at a time. Eventually, in order to get her to go to sleep, I had to put her in her crib for hours at a time to let her cry it out. Some days she would fall asleep and other days she would cry the whole time.

At about 4 months Raelyn started crying less and less. I remember when she was a month old thinking that there was no way I could make it to 4 months. I waited for her to be "cured" at every month mark. It seemed to never come. She still cries a lot today, but its not as often. Some days she does cry like before; I just have to pray hard and realize it will be better tomorrow.

We had given Raelyn a couple of blessings for her crying. I was always wishing that the Lord would just take it away. Just make her crying stop because I knew that He had the power. Her blessings always said that she was a healthy baby, but not that she would be blessed with "happiness". That was always really hard for me. For a while, instead of on relying on the Lord, I just begged Him to take it away. I really wanted her to stop crying, and I couldn't understand that if He loved me, why wouldn't he take it away? One night Steven mentioned, that in the Book of Mormon, the Lord didn't always take the people's burdens away, but just made them lighter. I had to change my attitude and pray that the Lord would help me make it through each day. He knew my struggles and that I wasn't able to make it through, but with His help I could.

It is still hard for me, but I know that on the hard days that the Lord can help me make it through. I do have those days where I throw myself a pitty party, so I don't want anyone's help. But I do know that the Lord is always there for me, and that He knows Raelyn better than I do. She is His child too, and strives for her happiness.

I've learned that we don't always know why the Lord gives us certain trials, or why He doesn't necessarily "take them away" when we want, but I do know that He loves us and is shaping us to become our best selves.

Monday Happy Moment: Monday was so hard! She was having a bad day, so I, of course, was having a bad day. So instead of maybe saying what was great that day in particular, I'm just going to say one great thing about being a mom. Sometimes its great to know that you are your little girl's (or boy's) favorite person, and that they depend on you. (sometimes overwhelming, but sometimes a great feeling).

Tuesday Happy Moment: Tuesday was a lot better day then Monday. 2 things were actually great. 1. We were out and about and like 3 people said how adorable she was, and it made me feel really good. She might be a monster sometimes, but she's adorable. 2. I left for about an hour last night to go work out, and when I came back she was so happy to see me. Sometimes I forget that she loves me, but that made me feel like she does!