Breastfeeding

I'm just gonna come out and say it...I hate breastfeeding.

I wrote a thousand different intros to this post, and erased them all. I figured I'd just get to the point.

I know a lot of people love breastfeeding, and they find it a bonding experience with their little one. I respect this. I wish I was like this, but I'm not. My mom breastfed her children, and always counseled me on it, but I just didn't like it.

I told myself, before having Raelyn, that I would breastfeed until she was at least 6 months. That was my goal. I had always thought breastfeeding was weird, but I know it's a natural part of life, so I began to wrap my mind around it.

When she arrived, it was actually less awkward then I thought it would be. Everyone had also told me that it hurts... A LOT, so I prepared for the worst. I think because of this, it didn't hurt as much as I had anticipated. (it still isn't close to enjoyable though, pain wise). Raelyn took some work to learn how to latch on, but she got it about 3 days after her birth.

At first I got really tender, but I got use to it. I lactated really well, and Raelyn was really good. I had no big problems with clogging; everything was going good. Except the fact that I hated it.

I hated how it felt.
I hated that I had to hide or cover up (which is tricky in and of itself, definitely takes practice).
I hated that Steven didn't have to wake up to feed her, or just take over when I needed a break. (I think the women should have the babies and the men should feed them :), jk)
I hated that I had to be with her at least every 3 hours or I would start to hurt, and she would be starving.
I hated that it hurt.
I hated that I leaked all over myself.
I HATED pumping.
I hated how long it took.
I hated that nobody else could feed her.

For a long time I hated myself for hating it. I didn't see it as a bonding experience, but as a chore. I wanted to stop, but I felt too guilty. I thought that I would ruin my child, and that we wouldn't get the right amount of bonding time. I looked online for support (worst thing you can do). I didn't find anything but people arguing about how you shouldn't stop, and should just keep pushing through. So that's what I did, kept pushing, hoping that one day it would get better. It didn't.

I went back and forth and back and forth. I complained to Steven, I talked to my mom, and I talked to a couple of my friends who never breastfed. I also made it a matter of prayer. In the end, I weighed my pros and cons, and decided that stopping was best for me. With Raelyn being colicky, and becoming a new mom, the stress of breastfeeding was just too much. It was the ONLY thing that I could change. At about her 2 month mark I weaned her off, and we just did formula.

Now, I'm not saying that this is for everyone. But it worked for me. I think that every situation is different, and that everyone should decide for themselves what works best for them, WITHOUT feeling guilty. I feel that since I had made my decision a matter of prayer, the Lord helped me not to feel guilty with my decision.

Everyone has different situations, but it IS okay to stop breastfeeding. As mom's we put a lot of pressure on ourselves because we want the best for our children. I believe that if its not going to hurt your child, you have to decide for yourself what's best. I also believe that sometimes we have to put ourselves first in order to be sane enough to care for our children. :)

I DO feel bonded to Raelyn. She knows I'm her mom, and she looks to me for comfort and love. I will continue to try and breastfeed with my kids in the future. I hope that it gets easier, or that I start to enjoy it.

I will write about all my happy moments soon, but I will share one.
I think it is so cute when Raelyn tries to talk. Like she is almost saying words. She just carries on a conversation with herself. It is so cute. :)