As we all know, the internet can be a great, yet horrible thing. I believe this is no different for moms.
Let me "splain"
I wanted to start Raelyn early on baby food, so I searched online: "when should I start my baby on baby food" This is what I discovered: (these are NOT exact quotes)
- "starting your baby early on baby food leads to diabetes, or unhealthy eating habits"
- "I started my baby on baby food at 3 1/2 months, and she is doing just fine"
- "Only your doctor can tell you when to start your baby on baby food"
- "starting babies on baby food early helps with acid reflux"
After being on the internet for an hour and a half, I found out nothing! Everyone has different opinions about everything, which is great, but makes it so hard to decide which one to do. Some people even have articles and research to back up what they say, on BOTH sides of the argument. Which one do I follow? I have also found that in some cases the internet only shows one side, and it's the side I don't agree with. What do I do now?
I kept getting discouraged every time I looked up something online. Every time I wanted to make a decision about something, I consulted the internet. Even if I had asked my doctor about it, and I didn't quite agree, or I wanted a second opinion, I consulted the internet. When I wanted to have some type of support for a decision I had made, I consulted the internet. It always ended in me being more indecisive then I was before!
One time I saw an article online that talked about how sleeping with your child is something you SHOULD, not just that it was a good idea, but you SHOULD do for this, this, and this reason. I had always been taught this was something you shouldn't do. Like a big no-no. I could find articles for both! I decided then that I was way confused on everything, and I needed to stop reading the internet!
When I tried to find support to stop breastfeeding, I couldn't find anything anywhere. I thought for sure I must be wrong! I can't stop, the internet says so!
Now, there are some things that are simple answers: don't let your child play with matches, or jump off a roof (they still might do this ;)), or leave them unattended in the swimming pool. There are some decisions that have to be consulted with your doctor. But when it comes to the its-your-decision decisions, the internet is a common, yet rough place to go.
I can't help myself, I still go to the internet today, but I go with the attitude of finding out all my options instead of to make a decision. If you go to make a decision, you just might get overwhelmed and discouraged. Now I make a decision by discussing it with my husband, my parents, close friends, in some cases, my doctor, and then ultimately making it a matter of prayer.
I think I learned the hard way that you don't have to do it just because the internet says or doesn't say so! :) Nor do I have to go agree with any side that's being argued. I can make my own decision. I have my motherly instinct, and most importantly the Lord to rely on. He is the ultimate parent, and I hear he loves to give advice. :)
Friday, February 28, 2014
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
I Love that babies...
There are things that only babies or children do that just bring you happiness, or make your day. These are some of those things:
- Raelyn is always happy to see me when she wakes up! Every time I go in to get her, she has a huge smile on her face. Some people are not always happy to see you bright and early in the morning! ;)
-Raelyn LOVES my singing voice, even if I'm singing way off key and not hitting a single note. She just smiles up at me. I can not say this about anyone else I know!
-Raelyn is so forgiving. There are days that I get frustrated for her, and I'm sure she can feel it in me. However, she still gives me a smile and loves me. (even though it's sometimes hard to tell that a 6 month old loves you!)
-I love that I can make Raelyn smile when she's unhappy. Just about any time. I know this only works for so long!
-I love how Raelyn gets into laughing fits over something so simple. It always puts a smile on my face. I don't know many people that roll on the floor laughing over someone clapping.
These are just some of the things I noticed about Raelyn and just babies in general. Sometimes they can really brighten your day. :)
Please share some of your experiences!
- Raelyn is always happy to see me when she wakes up! Every time I go in to get her, she has a huge smile on her face. Some people are not always happy to see you bright and early in the morning! ;)
(We call this her grandpa face)
-Raelyn LOVES my singing voice, even if I'm singing way off key and not hitting a single note. She just smiles up at me. I can not say this about anyone else I know!
-Raelyn is so forgiving. There are days that I get frustrated for her, and I'm sure she can feel it in me. However, she still gives me a smile and loves me. (even though it's sometimes hard to tell that a 6 month old loves you!)
-I love that I can make Raelyn smile when she's unhappy. Just about any time. I know this only works for so long!
-I love how Raelyn gets into laughing fits over something so simple. It always puts a smile on my face. I don't know many people that roll on the floor laughing over someone clapping.
These are just some of the things I noticed about Raelyn and just babies in general. Sometimes they can really brighten your day. :)
Please share some of your experiences!
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Breastfeeding Disclaimer
Everyone has given me really nice comments, and I want to thank you all for that! It has helped me tremendously and makes me feel loved and supported.
I would, however, like to write a disclaimer to the blog post I just wrote on breastfeeding.
*Disclaimer:
After reading my post again, I realized that I might have come off like I do not support or advocate breastfeeding. This is far from the truth. I believe that it is one of the greatest ways for mothers to give nutrients to their children. I want to breastfeed my children, and plan on trying again in the future. This was just my experience with Raelyn. It was hard for me. I'm hoping by the second child it becomes less of a burden and more of an enjoyable experience.
*Disclaimer to my Disclaimer:
Everyone has different views, and I believe (as I stated in my blog) that you have to do what is best for you and your baby. You do not have to feel the same as me. If you believe formula is best, then formula you should buy! :) One of the reasons I felt guilty about stopping was being afraid of what all the other moms thought. I thought they were all judging me and looking at me like I was a bad mom. I believe we should all respect each other's decisions and support one another as sisters in Christ and as moms.
I would, however, like to write a disclaimer to the blog post I just wrote on breastfeeding.
*Disclaimer:
After reading my post again, I realized that I might have come off like I do not support or advocate breastfeeding. This is far from the truth. I believe that it is one of the greatest ways for mothers to give nutrients to their children. I want to breastfeed my children, and plan on trying again in the future. This was just my experience with Raelyn. It was hard for me. I'm hoping by the second child it becomes less of a burden and more of an enjoyable experience.
*Disclaimer to my Disclaimer:
Everyone has different views, and I believe (as I stated in my blog) that you have to do what is best for you and your baby. You do not have to feel the same as me. If you believe formula is best, then formula you should buy! :) One of the reasons I felt guilty about stopping was being afraid of what all the other moms thought. I thought they were all judging me and looking at me like I was a bad mom. I believe we should all respect each other's decisions and support one another as sisters in Christ and as moms.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Breastfeeding
I'm just gonna come out and say it...I hate breastfeeding.
I wrote a thousand different intros to this post, and erased them all. I figured I'd just get to the point.
I know a lot of people love breastfeeding, and they find it a bonding experience with their little one. I respect this. I wish I was like this, but I'm not. My mom breastfed her children, and always counseled me on it, but I just didn't like it.
I told myself, before having Raelyn, that I would breastfeed until she was at least 6 months. That was my goal. I had always thought breastfeeding was weird, but I know it's a natural part of life, so I began to wrap my mind around it.
When she arrived, it was actually less awkward then I thought it would be. Everyone had also told me that it hurts... A LOT, so I prepared for the worst. I think because of this, it didn't hurt as much as I had anticipated. (it still isn't close to enjoyable though, pain wise). Raelyn took some work to learn how to latch on, but she got it about 3 days after her birth.
At first I got really tender, but I got use to it. I lactated really well, and Raelyn was really good. I had no big problems with clogging; everything was going good. Except the fact that I hated it.
I hated how it felt.
I hated that I had to hide or cover up (which is tricky in and of itself, definitely takes practice).
I hated that Steven didn't have to wake up to feed her, or just take over when I needed a break. (I think the women should have the babies and the men should feed them :), jk)
I hated that I had to be with her at least every 3 hours or I would start to hurt, and she would be starving.
I hated that it hurt.
I hated that I leaked all over myself.
I HATED pumping.
I hated how long it took.
I hated that nobody else could feed her.
For a long time I hated myself for hating it. I didn't see it as a bonding experience, but as a chore. I wanted to stop, but I felt too guilty. I thought that I would ruin my child, and that we wouldn't get the right amount of bonding time. I looked online for support (worst thing you can do). I didn't find anything but people arguing about how you shouldn't stop, and should just keep pushing through. So that's what I did, kept pushing, hoping that one day it would get better. It didn't.
I went back and forth and back and forth. I complained to Steven, I talked to my mom, and I talked to a couple of my friends who never breastfed. I also made it a matter of prayer. In the end, I weighed my pros and cons, and decided that stopping was best for me. With Raelyn being colicky, and becoming a new mom, the stress of breastfeeding was just too much. It was the ONLY thing that I could change. At about her 2 month mark I weaned her off, and we just did formula.
Now, I'm not saying that this is for everyone. But it worked for me. I think that every situation is different, and that everyone should decide for themselves what works best for them, WITHOUT feeling guilty. I feel that since I had made my decision a matter of prayer, the Lord helped me not to feel guilty with my decision.
Everyone has different situations, but it IS okay to stop breastfeeding. As mom's we put a lot of pressure on ourselves because we want the best for our children. I believe that if its not going to hurt your child, you have to decide for yourself what's best. I also believe that sometimes we have to put ourselves first in order to be sane enough to care for our children. :)
I DO feel bonded to Raelyn. She knows I'm her mom, and she looks to me for comfort and love. I will continue to try and breastfeed with my kids in the future. I hope that it gets easier, or that I start to enjoy it.
I will write about all my happy moments soon, but I will share one.
I think it is so cute when Raelyn tries to talk. Like she is almost saying words. She just carries on a conversation with herself. It is so cute. :)
I wrote a thousand different intros to this post, and erased them all. I figured I'd just get to the point.
I know a lot of people love breastfeeding, and they find it a bonding experience with their little one. I respect this. I wish I was like this, but I'm not. My mom breastfed her children, and always counseled me on it, but I just didn't like it.
I told myself, before having Raelyn, that I would breastfeed until she was at least 6 months. That was my goal. I had always thought breastfeeding was weird, but I know it's a natural part of life, so I began to wrap my mind around it.
When she arrived, it was actually less awkward then I thought it would be. Everyone had also told me that it hurts... A LOT, so I prepared for the worst. I think because of this, it didn't hurt as much as I had anticipated. (it still isn't close to enjoyable though, pain wise). Raelyn took some work to learn how to latch on, but she got it about 3 days after her birth.
At first I got really tender, but I got use to it. I lactated really well, and Raelyn was really good. I had no big problems with clogging; everything was going good. Except the fact that I hated it.
I hated how it felt.
I hated that I had to hide or cover up (which is tricky in and of itself, definitely takes practice).
I hated that Steven didn't have to wake up to feed her, or just take over when I needed a break. (I think the women should have the babies and the men should feed them :), jk)
I hated that I had to be with her at least every 3 hours or I would start to hurt, and she would be starving.
I hated that it hurt.
I hated that I leaked all over myself.
I HATED pumping.
I hated how long it took.
I hated that nobody else could feed her.
For a long time I hated myself for hating it. I didn't see it as a bonding experience, but as a chore. I wanted to stop, but I felt too guilty. I thought that I would ruin my child, and that we wouldn't get the right amount of bonding time. I looked online for support (worst thing you can do). I didn't find anything but people arguing about how you shouldn't stop, and should just keep pushing through. So that's what I did, kept pushing, hoping that one day it would get better. It didn't.
I went back and forth and back and forth. I complained to Steven, I talked to my mom, and I talked to a couple of my friends who never breastfed. I also made it a matter of prayer. In the end, I weighed my pros and cons, and decided that stopping was best for me. With Raelyn being colicky, and becoming a new mom, the stress of breastfeeding was just too much. It was the ONLY thing that I could change. At about her 2 month mark I weaned her off, and we just did formula.
Now, I'm not saying that this is for everyone. But it worked for me. I think that every situation is different, and that everyone should decide for themselves what works best for them, WITHOUT feeling guilty. I feel that since I had made my decision a matter of prayer, the Lord helped me not to feel guilty with my decision.
Everyone has different situations, but it IS okay to stop breastfeeding. As mom's we put a lot of pressure on ourselves because we want the best for our children. I believe that if its not going to hurt your child, you have to decide for yourself what's best. I also believe that sometimes we have to put ourselves first in order to be sane enough to care for our children. :)
I DO feel bonded to Raelyn. She knows I'm her mom, and she looks to me for comfort and love. I will continue to try and breastfeed with my kids in the future. I hope that it gets easier, or that I start to enjoy it.
I will write about all my happy moments soon, but I will share one.
I think it is so cute when Raelyn tries to talk. Like she is almost saying words. She just carries on a conversation with herself. It is so cute. :)
Sunday, February 16, 2014
The Good in Being a Mom
This past week has been a faith building and personal growth week. Besides Monday, instead of having to look for the good in being a mom, it just came. I figured I've had a lot of blogs about how hard it is to be a mom, and I feel like up until now that's all it's been! (In fact, one of my good friends mentioned this week that her mom would have given her older brother away (as a baby) if anyone ever asked.) I feel like this use to sum up my life.
I spent a good part of this weekend with my sister, and I genuinely missed Raelyn. I was so happy to see her when I got home. In the past, I always dreaded going back. This was a really good week, and Raelyn's good days are starting to overcome her bad.
Here is what I've learned/loved this week about life and being a mom: (these thoughts include my good moments for the week)
- It is very cool to see your child get excited about things. And usually they are so small and simple. Raelyn gets excited about watching little kids play. She jumps up and down. She loves it! She started a new thing this week, when she gets excited she breaths heavily. Almost like she's hyperventilating. It is so cute. It's crazy how we, as adults, forget sometimes to see the simple things in life. There is so many things to be happy about.
-Raelyn, I've noticed, gets frustrated when she can't do the things she wants. She doesn't have the capability to walk, crawl (yet), and move as she wishes. I've learned that this is a lot of the reason she cries now. She just wants to go and do. She is an extremely active girl. This knowledge helps the crying not seem so bad.
- Raelyn is learning how to communicate more. I know what motions she makes when she wants to be picked up, moved, or wants something. This is great because I'm better able to make her happy. It's crazy how much she has learned in just 6 months of life.
-It's awesome to know that babies, even at 6 months, know who you are. Who their father is, who their mother is, and when they are being held by someone who is not them. You are their favorite person. They depend on you for their happiness. It's a great feeling to see Raelyn happy, knowing that I have contributed in some way.
-Raelyn is getting to that fun age where she is fun to watch. She makes the funniest faces, does the funniest things, and learns something new everyday! It is so fun to see her thought process as she plays with things. You always wonder what they're thinking.
I feel like I am slowly coming to truly love my little girl. I know I loved her in the-your-my-daughter-and-I-made-you kind of way. But I'm starting to love her in the I-can't-imagine-my-life-without-you kind of way. I believe this is a huge reason I struggled with motherhood. I felt like someone could take her away, and I wouldn't care. Now, its turning into wanting her in my life, and she brings me happiness.
I just want other moms out there to know, who are struggling like me, that it DOES get better, you DO find the joy in it, and the unconditional love WILL come. I'm NOT saying it won't be hard, but, like you, I hope one day I'll say it was all worth it!
Please share what you think is the BEST thing about being a mom. Or a motherly figure, or an aunt, uncle, sister, brother, teacher. Anyone that has kids in their life.
I spent a good part of this weekend with my sister, and I genuinely missed Raelyn. I was so happy to see her when I got home. In the past, I always dreaded going back. This was a really good week, and Raelyn's good days are starting to overcome her bad.
Here is what I've learned/loved this week about life and being a mom: (these thoughts include my good moments for the week)
- It is very cool to see your child get excited about things. And usually they are so small and simple. Raelyn gets excited about watching little kids play. She jumps up and down. She loves it! She started a new thing this week, when she gets excited she breaths heavily. Almost like she's hyperventilating. It is so cute. It's crazy how we, as adults, forget sometimes to see the simple things in life. There is so many things to be happy about.
-Raelyn, I've noticed, gets frustrated when she can't do the things she wants. She doesn't have the capability to walk, crawl (yet), and move as she wishes. I've learned that this is a lot of the reason she cries now. She just wants to go and do. She is an extremely active girl. This knowledge helps the crying not seem so bad.
- Raelyn is learning how to communicate more. I know what motions she makes when she wants to be picked up, moved, or wants something. This is great because I'm better able to make her happy. It's crazy how much she has learned in just 6 months of life.
-It's awesome to know that babies, even at 6 months, know who you are. Who their father is, who their mother is, and when they are being held by someone who is not them. You are their favorite person. They depend on you for their happiness. It's a great feeling to see Raelyn happy, knowing that I have contributed in some way.
-Raelyn is getting to that fun age where she is fun to watch. She makes the funniest faces, does the funniest things, and learns something new everyday! It is so fun to see her thought process as she plays with things. You always wonder what they're thinking.
I feel like I am slowly coming to truly love my little girl. I know I loved her in the-your-my-daughter-and-I-made-you kind of way. But I'm starting to love her in the I-can't-imagine-my-life-without-you kind of way. I believe this is a huge reason I struggled with motherhood. I felt like someone could take her away, and I wouldn't care. Now, its turning into wanting her in my life, and she brings me happiness.
I just want other moms out there to know, who are struggling like me, that it DOES get better, you DO find the joy in it, and the unconditional love WILL come. I'm NOT saying it won't be hard, but, like you, I hope one day I'll say it was all worth it!
Please share what you think is the BEST thing about being a mom. Or a motherly figure, or an aunt, uncle, sister, brother, teacher. Anyone that has kids in their life.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Colic
Before having Raelyn, like most mothers, I read up on a few things. I bought the book Babywise. (It is a really good read if you are becoming a new mom. It has helped me a lot, and I often refer back to it). I read, well more like skimmed, through the sections on colicky babies. I was so sure that wouldn't happen to MY child. I was going to do everything perfectly, so she couldn't possibly be colicky.
I was WAY wrong.
About a week and a half after her birth, Raelyn started crying several times throughout the day, for no reason at all. There was nothing I could do to get her to stop. Sometimes I could feed her, and she would stop. In the beginning, feeding her was all I did, just about all day. It was the only thing that would make the crying stop.
Eventually the crying got worse and worse. Most days she cried all day, for no reason at all. She wouldn't sleep, and I tried everything I could do to get her to sleep. Nothing was working. I tried to just entertain her with the swing, but she just screamed her head off. I tried rocking her but she did everything she could to fight it. I tried laying her on her stomach, on her back, showing her toys, talking to her, and singing to her. Nothing worked. We were both just crying all day.
All those thoughts that I wrote about in the beginning were really strong on most of these days. The connection that I really loved her unconditionally didn't seem to come for me, which is another reason that I really struggled. I thought that I didn't love my child, and that she hated me. I blamed myself for her unhappiness, and just told myself that I wasn't meant to be a mom. I just wasn't good at it.
For a long time I denied that she was colicky. I refused to believe it. Not my child. (as if its a reflection on you) When I finally gave in to the fact that she was, and that I wasn't a bad mother, I started to research it more, which unfortunately didn't help. The worst thing about a colicky baby is that there is NO cure for it, and doctors don't really know the cause. Sure, you can try different things, and MAYBE they will work for a certain period of time, but there is no prescription that the doctor can give you to make it go away.
Here are most of the theories out there: (all that I've heard anyway)
Colic is when babies digestive system isn't fully developed so their stomachs are constantly upset. This is hard because then you feel guilty for laying them down because you don't want them to be in pain alone. Don't feel guilty. They handle it better than you think, and they won't be scarred because of it. It took me forever to come to this realization. (And when I say put them down I don't mean neglect.) Steven and I tried different formulas: sensitive, hypo allergic, gentle, fussiness. None of them worked. We tried using Colic Calm, which is just an all-natural substance like gripe water that is suppose to help calm the stomach of gas and other intestinal issues. This can work for some people. It didn't for us. We also started buying gas drops, to no avail.
Colic is when babies are over sensitized. There is too much going on around them that overwhelms their senses. Their neurological system is not fully developed so they have an overload of everything going on around them. You have to have the right amount of wake time, but make sure you calm them down and in a sense "turn off" their senses in order for them to calm down enough to sleep, or just be calm. We tried several different strategies to calm her down and get her to sleep, but it just didn't work.
Colic is a sleep disorder. They don't know how to sleep, and the longer they go without it, the harder it gets. When they don't sleep everything else gets thrown off, especially their eating habits.
Colic is probably a combination of all of them, and something that can only be cured with time. We tried so many options, and each time I would get my hopes up. I thought, maybe this will work this time, and I will be freed from a crying baby. It never did. I realized that it was just going to take time. How much time? I did not know.
Little by little Steven and I learned little things that would make her happy. If you rocked and bounced her a certain way with loud music playing, she would fall asleep, but only for 30 minutes at a time. Eventually, in order to get her to go to sleep, I had to put her in her crib for hours at a time to let her cry it out. Some days she would fall asleep and other days she would cry the whole time.
At about 4 months Raelyn started crying less and less. I remember when she was a month old thinking that there was no way I could make it to 4 months. I waited for her to be "cured" at every month mark. It seemed to never come. She still cries a lot today, but its not as often. Some days she does cry like before; I just have to pray hard and realize it will be better tomorrow.
We had given Raelyn a couple of blessings for her crying. I was always wishing that the Lord would just take it away. Just make her crying stop because I knew that He had the power. Her blessings always said that she was a healthy baby, but not that she would be blessed with "happiness". That was always really hard for me. For a while, instead of on relying on the Lord, I just begged Him to take it away. I really wanted her to stop crying, and I couldn't understand that if He loved me, why wouldn't he take it away? One night Steven mentioned, that in the Book of Mormon, the Lord didn't always take the people's burdens away, but just made them lighter. I had to change my attitude and pray that the Lord would help me make it through each day. He knew my struggles and that I wasn't able to make it through, but with His help I could.
It is still hard for me, but I know that on the hard days that the Lord can help me make it through. I do have those days where I throw myself a pitty party, so I don't want anyone's help. But I do know that the Lord is always there for me, and that He knows Raelyn better than I do. She is His child too, and strives for her happiness.
I've learned that we don't always know why the Lord gives us certain trials, or why He doesn't necessarily "take them away" when we want, but I do know that He loves us and is shaping us to become our best selves.
Monday Happy Moment: Monday was so hard! She was having a bad day, so I, of course, was having a bad day. So instead of maybe saying what was great that day in particular, I'm just going to say one great thing about being a mom. Sometimes its great to know that you are your little girl's (or boy's) favorite person, and that they depend on you. (sometimes overwhelming, but sometimes a great feeling).
Tuesday Happy Moment: Tuesday was a lot better day then Monday. 2 things were actually great. 1. We were out and about and like 3 people said how adorable she was, and it made me feel really good. She might be a monster sometimes, but she's adorable. 2. I left for about an hour last night to go work out, and when I came back she was so happy to see me. Sometimes I forget that she loves me, but that made me feel like she does!
I was WAY wrong.
About a week and a half after her birth, Raelyn started crying several times throughout the day, for no reason at all. There was nothing I could do to get her to stop. Sometimes I could feed her, and she would stop. In the beginning, feeding her was all I did, just about all day. It was the only thing that would make the crying stop.
Eventually the crying got worse and worse. Most days she cried all day, for no reason at all. She wouldn't sleep, and I tried everything I could do to get her to sleep. Nothing was working. I tried to just entertain her with the swing, but she just screamed her head off. I tried rocking her but she did everything she could to fight it. I tried laying her on her stomach, on her back, showing her toys, talking to her, and singing to her. Nothing worked. We were both just crying all day.
All those thoughts that I wrote about in the beginning were really strong on most of these days. The connection that I really loved her unconditionally didn't seem to come for me, which is another reason that I really struggled. I thought that I didn't love my child, and that she hated me. I blamed myself for her unhappiness, and just told myself that I wasn't meant to be a mom. I just wasn't good at it.
For a long time I denied that she was colicky. I refused to believe it. Not my child. (as if its a reflection on you) When I finally gave in to the fact that she was, and that I wasn't a bad mother, I started to research it more, which unfortunately didn't help. The worst thing about a colicky baby is that there is NO cure for it, and doctors don't really know the cause. Sure, you can try different things, and MAYBE they will work for a certain period of time, but there is no prescription that the doctor can give you to make it go away.
Here are most of the theories out there: (all that I've heard anyway)
Colic is when babies digestive system isn't fully developed so their stomachs are constantly upset. This is hard because then you feel guilty for laying them down because you don't want them to be in pain alone. Don't feel guilty. They handle it better than you think, and they won't be scarred because of it. It took me forever to come to this realization. (And when I say put them down I don't mean neglect.) Steven and I tried different formulas: sensitive, hypo allergic, gentle, fussiness. None of them worked. We tried using Colic Calm, which is just an all-natural substance like gripe water that is suppose to help calm the stomach of gas and other intestinal issues. This can work for some people. It didn't for us. We also started buying gas drops, to no avail.
Colic is when babies are over sensitized. There is too much going on around them that overwhelms their senses. Their neurological system is not fully developed so they have an overload of everything going on around them. You have to have the right amount of wake time, but make sure you calm them down and in a sense "turn off" their senses in order for them to calm down enough to sleep, or just be calm. We tried several different strategies to calm her down and get her to sleep, but it just didn't work.
Colic is a sleep disorder. They don't know how to sleep, and the longer they go without it, the harder it gets. When they don't sleep everything else gets thrown off, especially their eating habits.
Colic is probably a combination of all of them, and something that can only be cured with time. We tried so many options, and each time I would get my hopes up. I thought, maybe this will work this time, and I will be freed from a crying baby. It never did. I realized that it was just going to take time. How much time? I did not know.
Little by little Steven and I learned little things that would make her happy. If you rocked and bounced her a certain way with loud music playing, she would fall asleep, but only for 30 minutes at a time. Eventually, in order to get her to go to sleep, I had to put her in her crib for hours at a time to let her cry it out. Some days she would fall asleep and other days she would cry the whole time.
At about 4 months Raelyn started crying less and less. I remember when she was a month old thinking that there was no way I could make it to 4 months. I waited for her to be "cured" at every month mark. It seemed to never come. She still cries a lot today, but its not as often. Some days she does cry like before; I just have to pray hard and realize it will be better tomorrow.
We had given Raelyn a couple of blessings for her crying. I was always wishing that the Lord would just take it away. Just make her crying stop because I knew that He had the power. Her blessings always said that she was a healthy baby, but not that she would be blessed with "happiness". That was always really hard for me. For a while, instead of on relying on the Lord, I just begged Him to take it away. I really wanted her to stop crying, and I couldn't understand that if He loved me, why wouldn't he take it away? One night Steven mentioned, that in the Book of Mormon, the Lord didn't always take the people's burdens away, but just made them lighter. I had to change my attitude and pray that the Lord would help me make it through each day. He knew my struggles and that I wasn't able to make it through, but with His help I could.
It is still hard for me, but I know that on the hard days that the Lord can help me make it through. I do have those days where I throw myself a pitty party, so I don't want anyone's help. But I do know that the Lord is always there for me, and that He knows Raelyn better than I do. She is His child too, and strives for her happiness.
I've learned that we don't always know why the Lord gives us certain trials, or why He doesn't necessarily "take them away" when we want, but I do know that He loves us and is shaping us to become our best selves.
Monday Happy Moment: Monday was so hard! She was having a bad day, so I, of course, was having a bad day. So instead of maybe saying what was great that day in particular, I'm just going to say one great thing about being a mom. Sometimes its great to know that you are your little girl's (or boy's) favorite person, and that they depend on you. (sometimes overwhelming, but sometimes a great feeling).
Tuesday Happy Moment: Tuesday was a lot better day then Monday. 2 things were actually great. 1. We were out and about and like 3 people said how adorable she was, and it made me feel really good. She might be a monster sometimes, but she's adorable. 2. I left for about an hour last night to go work out, and when I came back she was so happy to see me. Sometimes I forget that she loves me, but that made me feel like she does!
Monday, February 10, 2014
Labor Day
I guess the next step after pregnancy is giving birth.
I actually had a relatively easy labor with Raelyn, but don't worry she made up for that. :)
I was very anxious, like most pregnant women, at the end of my pregnancy for little Miss Raelyn to arrive. My doctor told me that she would be surprised if she didn't come early... I've decided that's the worst thing to say to a pregnant women because it makes you doubly anxious...and I was. I thought for sure she'd be here before the due date. So, when August 22 rolled around and she still wasn't here, I got discouraged. (My due date was August 21st). Looking back in retrospect, I should not have been discouraged. Especially since she came on August 23. haha.
On the night of the 22nd around 10:30 pm, I was having very bad back pain. I would also get an occasional shooting pain down my leg. Steven and I went to Smiths because he had a custodial party the next day and he signed up to bring Orange Juice. My back was killing me through the store, but I did not think I was in labor. When we got home, Steven went to bed, and I stayed up to read Harry Potter. I was having some cramps, but nothing I didn't have during pregnancy. They started to pick up, but I didn't think it was THE cramps. I went to the living room to watch TV while Steven slept. Around 12:30, I began to shake, and many people told me that they shook a lot while in labor. I also felt like my cramps were strong enough to go to the hospital, so I woke up Steven. Well, I tried. He was very tired and it took me a while to get him to realize that we needed to go to the hospital. (kinda comical now).
When we got to the hospital, I was dilated 5 cm. They monitored me and said that if I progressed in the next hour they would admit me. I got to a 6, so they gave me the I.V. That was not fun. I ended up getting an epidural around 4:00am. I was so scared to get an epidural, but my anesthesiologist was so good, it hurt less then the I.V. Then we just played the waiting game. She was ready for me to push at 12:00 pm the next day. I tried to get some sleep during this time, but I was just so worried and anxious I couldn't. I pushed till 2:40 and Raelyn came out at 2:42 pm, weighing 6 lbs. 10 oz. and 18.5 inches long. It was crazy. It was all so very surreal, and very overwhelming. In that moment I had become a mom! My first thought was Oh MY! My second was OW! They took her away with Steven, to do, whatever it is they do, and they took me to the recovery room.
I didn't feel a lot of pain once I had the epidural, It did, however, start to wear off near the end, and that wasn't pleasant. It still masked the pain, which was great! After she came out, I was in a lot of pain, and my epidural had worn off almost completely.
The only thing that made me feel better was when they brought Raelyn back from the nursery and I got to cuddle her. (One of the very few moments of her life that she would cuddle with me) She was so tiny and so precious. It was crazy that we had made her.
Overall, labor was easier than I had talked it up in my head. It was something that I feared for most of my life. It still amazes me that I did it. I know that the Lord had a hand in calming me down and making everything run smoothly. I am a definite supporter of the Epidural. They are not for everyone, but it was very nice to not feel all the pain. Just lots and lots of pressure!
If anyone would like to share their labor story, I'd love to hear it!
I forgot to write yesterday, but I did have a happy moment Saturday.
Saturday Raelyn was so happy. I have no idea why, but she hardly cried all day. She also didn't sleep all day, but at least she was happy. She played with her toys without crying, and she laughed a lot. She actually put me in a better mood at one point in the day. She even cuddled with me. She NEVER cuddles, maybe she finds it pointless, I don't know. I felt proud to be her mom, and I realized just how much I love her. I hope she has more days like that.
Sunday she was also pretty happy. Not as much as Saturday, but still happy. She also slept throughout the day, which gives me breaks, and makes it easier to handle her. I was able to stay in Relief society the whole time. The thing that made me smile the most is when she was drinking her bottle. She got down to the last half ounce and didn't eat it, but just played with her bottle and looked up at me and smiled. She just kept doing that for like 10 minutes. It made me laugh.
I actually had a relatively easy labor with Raelyn, but don't worry she made up for that. :)
I was very anxious, like most pregnant women, at the end of my pregnancy for little Miss Raelyn to arrive. My doctor told me that she would be surprised if she didn't come early... I've decided that's the worst thing to say to a pregnant women because it makes you doubly anxious...and I was. I thought for sure she'd be here before the due date. So, when August 22 rolled around and she still wasn't here, I got discouraged. (My due date was August 21st). Looking back in retrospect, I should not have been discouraged. Especially since she came on August 23. haha.
On the night of the 22nd around 10:30 pm, I was having very bad back pain. I would also get an occasional shooting pain down my leg. Steven and I went to Smiths because he had a custodial party the next day and he signed up to bring Orange Juice. My back was killing me through the store, but I did not think I was in labor. When we got home, Steven went to bed, and I stayed up to read Harry Potter. I was having some cramps, but nothing I didn't have during pregnancy. They started to pick up, but I didn't think it was THE cramps. I went to the living room to watch TV while Steven slept. Around 12:30, I began to shake, and many people told me that they shook a lot while in labor. I also felt like my cramps were strong enough to go to the hospital, so I woke up Steven. Well, I tried. He was very tired and it took me a while to get him to realize that we needed to go to the hospital. (kinda comical now).
When we got to the hospital, I was dilated 5 cm. They monitored me and said that if I progressed in the next hour they would admit me. I got to a 6, so they gave me the I.V. That was not fun. I ended up getting an epidural around 4:00am. I was so scared to get an epidural, but my anesthesiologist was so good, it hurt less then the I.V. Then we just played the waiting game. She was ready for me to push at 12:00 pm the next day. I tried to get some sleep during this time, but I was just so worried and anxious I couldn't. I pushed till 2:40 and Raelyn came out at 2:42 pm, weighing 6 lbs. 10 oz. and 18.5 inches long. It was crazy. It was all so very surreal, and very overwhelming. In that moment I had become a mom! My first thought was Oh MY! My second was OW! They took her away with Steven, to do, whatever it is they do, and they took me to the recovery room.
I didn't feel a lot of pain once I had the epidural, It did, however, start to wear off near the end, and that wasn't pleasant. It still masked the pain, which was great! After she came out, I was in a lot of pain, and my epidural had worn off almost completely.
The only thing that made me feel better was when they brought Raelyn back from the nursery and I got to cuddle her. (One of the very few moments of her life that she would cuddle with me) She was so tiny and so precious. It was crazy that we had made her.
Overall, labor was easier than I had talked it up in my head. It was something that I feared for most of my life. It still amazes me that I did it. I know that the Lord had a hand in calming me down and making everything run smoothly. I am a definite supporter of the Epidural. They are not for everyone, but it was very nice to not feel all the pain. Just lots and lots of pressure!
If anyone would like to share their labor story, I'd love to hear it!
I forgot to write yesterday, but I did have a happy moment Saturday.
Saturday Raelyn was so happy. I have no idea why, but she hardly cried all day. She also didn't sleep all day, but at least she was happy. She played with her toys without crying, and she laughed a lot. She actually put me in a better mood at one point in the day. She even cuddled with me. She NEVER cuddles, maybe she finds it pointless, I don't know. I felt proud to be her mom, and I realized just how much I love her. I hope she has more days like that.
Sunday she was also pretty happy. Not as much as Saturday, but still happy. She also slept throughout the day, which gives me breaks, and makes it easier to handle her. I was able to stay in Relief society the whole time. The thing that made me smile the most is when she was drinking her bottle. She got down to the last half ounce and didn't eat it, but just played with her bottle and looked up at me and smiled. She just kept doing that for like 10 minutes. It made me laugh.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Hold your little ones
Yesterday was a hard day. Raelyn constantly cried and slept a total of an hour, so I couldn't seem to get a break. Steven was at school almost all day, so the day seemed endless. All day today I have been thinking about that one happy moment that I could share with you, and it wasn't coming. I didn't just want to put something down that I didn't really mean. I mean I guess I could write anything and you would never know! :)
I didn't know what to write until I read another mom's blog. She wrote about her son who has a heart condition, so he doesn't have long to live. I just wanted to cry. I then realized that I had a lot of reasons yesterday to appreciate Raelyn. She is healthy. The Lord blessed me with a healthy baby, and that's something I thank Him for everyday, but maybe I don't necessarily cherish it as often as I should. I know that we all have different trials and hardships, so one person's trials does not diminish our own. I believe that's why we are all here for each other, to lift each other's burdens, and support one another in or trials.
So, my happy moment yesterday is knowing that my baby is healthy. She also is getting better at not whining while we try to feed her baby food. She use to get frustrated so easily and throw a fit, but she is getting better and better every time.
Hold your little ones a little tighter tonight.
I didn't know what to write until I read another mom's blog. She wrote about her son who has a heart condition, so he doesn't have long to live. I just wanted to cry. I then realized that I had a lot of reasons yesterday to appreciate Raelyn. She is healthy. The Lord blessed me with a healthy baby, and that's something I thank Him for everyday, but maybe I don't necessarily cherish it as often as I should. I know that we all have different trials and hardships, so one person's trials does not diminish our own. I believe that's why we are all here for each other, to lift each other's burdens, and support one another in or trials.
So, my happy moment yesterday is knowing that my baby is healthy. She also is getting better at not whining while we try to feed her baby food. She use to get frustrated so easily and throw a fit, but she is getting better and better every time.
Hold your little ones a little tighter tonight.
Friday, February 7, 2014
Let's Talk Pregnancy
I didn't start this blog until Raelyn was 5 1/2 months, so many of my hardest days have already happened. So, I guess I would like to go back a little and talk about my journey. I think it would be therapeutic. So let's start with...Pregnancy.
Like I said in my previous post, I always wanted to have kids. I also wanted to spend like 5 years with my husband in sweet bliss. :). I believe that if you are living righteously, the Lord has a funny way of putting you on His plan for you. I believe it was the Lord who changed my mind about having children earlier. I was very set in my ways before we got married. Kids were in the distant future. Little by little I felt better and better about being a mom. I'm not saying the Lord took my agency, cause that's not possible. But he did the closest thing to it! :) He gave me impressions that having children was a good thing. So, six months into our marriage we started talking about it. We went back and forth and back and forth, and then we just felt right about it.
In the second week of December, I got really sick. Deathly sick, I'm pretty sure the thought crossed my mind, "This is the end, I'm going to die, I haven't even "lived" yet." (Okay, so I'm a little dramatic, which is probably where my daughter gets it from. But HEY! dramatic people make the world interesting.) On the 3rd night of being so sick, I couldn't move, we decided to go to the ER. They did a bunch of tests, which amounted to "we don't know what you have, go home, sleep, and drink lots of water, and, oh yeah, here's a $13,000 bill." The one thing we did find out was that I was Pregnant. I couldn't even be excited about it because I was in so much pain. Steven had a big smile on his face though, which made me happy.
I have to admit that I was very unknowledgeable about pregnancy. You've thought I would have read about all of this before getting into it, but again, this was supposed to be in my distant future. I thought that you felt fat, but you have a glowing bright light around you all the time, so you didn't care. Okay, maybe in pregnancy heaven.
This is pregnancy:
-For the first 3 months it's either feeling sick or being sick.
-You are also extremely tired for the first 3 months. I think I slept all of Christmas break.
-You have a range of emotions. For my dramatic self it was crying. About everything. If I saw a depressing movie, I cried for hours after, thinking my life or my little ones life was going to end up like that. I thank my husband for not laughing at me. (in the moment).
-You have a heightened sense of smell, so if you smell it, you most likely aren't going to eat it.
-You crave foods you didn't know were crave-able, and you stop liking foods you once loved.
-You swell, some people have the luxury of not swelling, that was not me. I could only wear flip flops, and I swore everyone was staring at my feet, which in turn made me cry. (Oh, my poor husband)
-You can't sleep. My sister, Randi, once said something along the lines of wanting to wake her husband just so he would have to be awake with her, and know how much sleep she wasn't getting.
-There are days where you just feel crappy, for no reason.
-You're fat. You literally can't see anything below your belly button, and you can't just bend over like a normal person.
-You also have to buy a whole new wardrobe.
I decided there were 3 things about pregnancy that I loved:
1. You could eat all time, and no one would question it. If they were a decent person.
2. If you were full, you did not have to worry about sucking it in. In fact, you could push it out.
3. I loved hearing my baby's heartbeat and feeling her move. It's crazy that there's something growing INSIDE you.
Now, there are lots of moms I know that had a way harder pregnancy than me, and even mom's who do not have the opportunity to be pregnant. For that reason, I know how much of a blessing it was to be pregnant. I wish I would have appreciated it more. Looking back in retrospect the baby is a lot easier in the womb then out, and frankly it's the easiest part of the whole having children process. In fact, I think pregnancy will be a lot easier the second time around. There are days that it royally sucked, but seeing a miracle witnessed when she or he comes out is beyond words. (It can also be overwhelming, in a good way.)
Happy Moment:
Since my happy moment of the day could come at 11:59 pm each day, I've decided to write the next day the happy moment of the previous day. So, yesterday(actually it was the other day, but I really wanted to share it), Steven and I went and played basketball. Raelyn was excited the WHOLE time. She was jumping up and down, making high pitched noises, the whole shebang. It was so cute. She just loves basketball, which makes her daddy really happy. Hopefully we got a baller! :)
Side note: Inspired by my sister, Randi, I am going to start a side bar called "Mom problems 101". Basically, little things that happen everyday that are problematic but also comedic. If you have any that I can post please comment, FB me, or email me. I love to hear other's moments.
What were some of your cravings during pregnancy? Or is there something different that you experienced during pregnancy?
Like I said in my previous post, I always wanted to have kids. I also wanted to spend like 5 years with my husband in sweet bliss. :). I believe that if you are living righteously, the Lord has a funny way of putting you on His plan for you. I believe it was the Lord who changed my mind about having children earlier. I was very set in my ways before we got married. Kids were in the distant future. Little by little I felt better and better about being a mom. I'm not saying the Lord took my agency, cause that's not possible. But he did the closest thing to it! :) He gave me impressions that having children was a good thing. So, six months into our marriage we started talking about it. We went back and forth and back and forth, and then we just felt right about it.
In the second week of December, I got really sick. Deathly sick, I'm pretty sure the thought crossed my mind, "This is the end, I'm going to die, I haven't even "lived" yet." (Okay, so I'm a little dramatic, which is probably where my daughter gets it from. But HEY! dramatic people make the world interesting.) On the 3rd night of being so sick, I couldn't move, we decided to go to the ER. They did a bunch of tests, which amounted to "we don't know what you have, go home, sleep, and drink lots of water, and, oh yeah, here's a $13,000 bill." The one thing we did find out was that I was Pregnant. I couldn't even be excited about it because I was in so much pain. Steven had a big smile on his face though, which made me happy.
I have to admit that I was very unknowledgeable about pregnancy. You've thought I would have read about all of this before getting into it, but again, this was supposed to be in my distant future. I thought that you felt fat, but you have a glowing bright light around you all the time, so you didn't care. Okay, maybe in pregnancy heaven.
This is pregnancy:
-For the first 3 months it's either feeling sick or being sick.
-You are also extremely tired for the first 3 months. I think I slept all of Christmas break.
-You have a range of emotions. For my dramatic self it was crying. About everything. If I saw a depressing movie, I cried for hours after, thinking my life or my little ones life was going to end up like that. I thank my husband for not laughing at me. (in the moment).
-You have a heightened sense of smell, so if you smell it, you most likely aren't going to eat it.
-You crave foods you didn't know were crave-able, and you stop liking foods you once loved.
-You swell, some people have the luxury of not swelling, that was not me. I could only wear flip flops, and I swore everyone was staring at my feet, which in turn made me cry. (Oh, my poor husband)
-You can't sleep. My sister, Randi, once said something along the lines of wanting to wake her husband just so he would have to be awake with her, and know how much sleep she wasn't getting.
-There are days where you just feel crappy, for no reason.
-You're fat. You literally can't see anything below your belly button, and you can't just bend over like a normal person.
-You also have to buy a whole new wardrobe.
I decided there were 3 things about pregnancy that I loved:
1. You could eat all time, and no one would question it. If they were a decent person.
2. If you were full, you did not have to worry about sucking it in. In fact, you could push it out.
3. I loved hearing my baby's heartbeat and feeling her move. It's crazy that there's something growing INSIDE you.
Now, there are lots of moms I know that had a way harder pregnancy than me, and even mom's who do not have the opportunity to be pregnant. For that reason, I know how much of a blessing it was to be pregnant. I wish I would have appreciated it more. Looking back in retrospect the baby is a lot easier in the womb then out, and frankly it's the easiest part of the whole having children process. In fact, I think pregnancy will be a lot easier the second time around. There are days that it royally sucked, but seeing a miracle witnessed when she or he comes out is beyond words. (It can also be overwhelming, in a good way.)
Happy Moment:
Since my happy moment of the day could come at 11:59 pm each day, I've decided to write the next day the happy moment of the previous day. So, yesterday(actually it was the other day, but I really wanted to share it), Steven and I went and played basketball. Raelyn was excited the WHOLE time. She was jumping up and down, making high pitched noises, the whole shebang. It was so cute. She just loves basketball, which makes her daddy really happy. Hopefully we got a baller! :)
Side note: Inspired by my sister, Randi, I am going to start a side bar called "Mom problems 101". Basically, little things that happen everyday that are problematic but also comedic. If you have any that I can post please comment, FB me, or email me. I love to hear other's moments.
What were some of your cravings during pregnancy? Or is there something different that you experienced during pregnancy?
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Starting this Blog and why being a Mother is hard, sometimes.
I have tried for over 4 years now to keep a blog going. (This one even use to be a marriage blog) I haven't been very successful at it. Except for when I did the 365 blog with my sister. You can view that here. We were required to take a picture everyday and blog about it. It was hard work. Doing a blog is hard work, and now that I have a child, blogging was the last thing on my mind. However, after talking to other moms and finding that they have felt the same way as me, I have decided to blog about being a mom. With a challenge. For a whole year, I want to find at least one thing EVERYDAY that brings me joy in being a mom. (Now before you judge, hear me out).
Here's how this came about:
Since I was little, I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. My mom was, and I loved that she always there when we came home from school and was often part of the PTA/PTO. It was my ultimate goal in life to raise a family. Then I got to college and realized that I wanted to work for a while before being a mom. I had spent the money and hard work to get a degree and I wanted to use it. I wasn't married yet, so I figured I had time. I ended up getting married 1 year after I graduated. Steven and I often talked about having kids in the future. I wanted to work for a few years before having kids and Steven was thinking about two years. We never really planned on a specific time. I didn't get into the career of my choice until shortly after we were married. I worked a year at HISD as an athletic trainer and half way through that year we found out I was pregnant. It was planned, but that's another story for another day.
Pregnancy is not fun. I felt sick the first 3 months and was working full-time. Of course I felt fat and I swelled...A LOT. I was naïve and never considered pregnancy to be THAT hard. I probably complained more then I was entitled to. I went through a range of emotions throughout pregnancy, excitement, nervousness, terror, and sometimes regret (I felt like, "what have I done?, I can't be a mom"). Near the end, my excitement took over. When she first arrived, it was new and exciting and then it all slowly sank in for me...(I'm going to be quite candid because this is truly how I felt and I'm sure some moms can relate).
Everyone tells you it's hard, but they never go into much detail. They even joke and say "don't have kids, stay young as long as you can!" But they're kidding...right?!
Well, to an extent.
Before you have the baby you just think...
"I'll take the baby wherever I go. If I want to go out to eat, we will just take the baby. Life will be the same, we just have a 3rd person."
Not. True.
In the first week I realized most spontaneous opportunities will be gone. Say goodbye to sleep, movies, and doing anything on my own schedule.
Some days all I do is hold a baby, all day, and think "is this what I'm going to be doing the rest of my life?"
I had thoughts of running away, of being in the past when it was just Steven and I, and even thoughts of when I was single and could go anywhere and do anything. Now I'm at home. ALL. DAY. watching a little person who doesn't even know she has hands.
Sometimes the baby just cries and cries, and after doing everything I could possibly think of, she cries some more.
I thought, I can't even get this baby to stop crying how in the world can I keep her living?
I thought back on my mom and how awesome she must have been to have raised 6 of these.
Some days it was just me and her crying ALL day. together.
Most days I thought, Do I even love this child? Because sometimes I feel like I hate her. She just cries at me and I give her everything.
I often thought that maybe we jumped into this whole parent thing too quickly. I didn't accomplish enough, I didn't work long enough. I didn't "live" long enough.
I thought why do I want to do this all day? Why did I choose to be a stay-at-home mom? Would I feel more accomplished if I was working?*
Then I thought, do I love my child because I'm having these horrible thoughts about her? I must not be a good mom. I can't do this!
I later learned that these thoughts are all natural!
*Disclaimer: This is NOT a stab at working mothers. They are awesome. I know that lots of moms don't have the opportunity to be at home, and others choose to work. I have friends who do both. They are not any less of a mom.
With lots of prayer and support, slowly, those negative thoughts started to die and I realized the happy moments and the value of being a mother. I realized that I'm still "living" and can still have the same goals and desires I've always had, they just might be on a different timeline. Some weeks these happy moments are few, but other weeks they multiply daily.
Every baby is different. This is sometimes a hard fact. If all babies were the same, and came with the same handbook, mothers everywhere would have it a lot easier. My baby was born with the ability to cry, ALL. THE. TIME. (and this is NOT an exaggeration) She was a very colicky baby. All she did was cry, until she was about 4 months old. She still cries today, but its A LOT less. However, my daughter is 5 1/2 months old now, and I still struggle with being a mom. Some days it's hard to accept that I'm at this point in my life, and some days I wish I brought home the bacon, and my husband was the caregiver. In fact, most days are really hard for me. However, there are those days where Raelyn just melts my heart, and I love to watch her grow and experience new things.
I really admire the moms who just go into motherhood loving every minute of it. I also admire moms that have it much harder than me i.e. twins, triplets, or even quints. Mothers who have lost a child, miscarried, or have a child born with a disability, even mothers who are trying, but haven't had the opportunity yet to be a mom. Yet, they still find the strength to continue on and find happiness doing it. Those mothers give me hope, inspiration, and strength. My heart goes out to them.
I am very fortunate to have a healthy baby, and a loving and supporting husband. We have family close by that help out a lot, and I have awesome friends including mommy friends who support me as well. But, some days being a mom is just hard. Since I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, I thought it was easy. I thought it would be fun, and I thought it was going to bring me the ultimate happiness. (which is still possible it just hasn't happened yet). In fact, because it is so hard for me, I have decided to challenge myself to find the good in it. I know there is joy in it, and I know that as she grows each day there will be something new that's awesome, and something new that's hard. So, everyday for the next year. (Until February 6th of 2015) I am going to write something everyday that I love about being a mom. My blog isn't to complain about being a mom, but to write about the hard times that hopefully other moms can relate with. To also talk about what has made me happy about being a mom, even in the hard times. I know that I'm a new mom, so my hard times are going to be different than other moms' hard times. However, all moms go through their hard times.
I hope to eventually get comments from other moms who can relate, or who would like to share how they find the strength each day to keep going, or moms who love it everyday, or who feel inspired, or who have a story to tell. I have lots of stories to tell about my journey in becoming and being a mom.
I know that I love my daughter, and I know that I will one day look around at my grown children and be grateful that the Lord entrusted ME to be their mother. This is just my HARD and JOYOUS adventure getting there. ;)
Here's how this came about:
Since I was little, I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. My mom was, and I loved that she always there when we came home from school and was often part of the PTA/PTO. It was my ultimate goal in life to raise a family. Then I got to college and realized that I wanted to work for a while before being a mom. I had spent the money and hard work to get a degree and I wanted to use it. I wasn't married yet, so I figured I had time. I ended up getting married 1 year after I graduated. Steven and I often talked about having kids in the future. I wanted to work for a few years before having kids and Steven was thinking about two years. We never really planned on a specific time. I didn't get into the career of my choice until shortly after we were married. I worked a year at HISD as an athletic trainer and half way through that year we found out I was pregnant. It was planned, but that's another story for another day.
Pregnancy is not fun. I felt sick the first 3 months and was working full-time. Of course I felt fat and I swelled...A LOT. I was naïve and never considered pregnancy to be THAT hard. I probably complained more then I was entitled to. I went through a range of emotions throughout pregnancy, excitement, nervousness, terror, and sometimes regret (I felt like, "what have I done?, I can't be a mom"). Near the end, my excitement took over. When she first arrived, it was new and exciting and then it all slowly sank in for me...(I'm going to be quite candid because this is truly how I felt and I'm sure some moms can relate).
Everyone tells you it's hard, but they never go into much detail. They even joke and say "don't have kids, stay young as long as you can!" But they're kidding...right?!
Well, to an extent.
Before you have the baby you just think...
"I'll take the baby wherever I go. If I want to go out to eat, we will just take the baby. Life will be the same, we just have a 3rd person."
Not. True.
In the first week I realized most spontaneous opportunities will be gone. Say goodbye to sleep, movies, and doing anything on my own schedule.
Some days all I do is hold a baby, all day, and think "is this what I'm going to be doing the rest of my life?"
I had thoughts of running away, of being in the past when it was just Steven and I, and even thoughts of when I was single and could go anywhere and do anything. Now I'm at home. ALL. DAY. watching a little person who doesn't even know she has hands.
Sometimes the baby just cries and cries, and after doing everything I could possibly think of, she cries some more.
I thought, I can't even get this baby to stop crying how in the world can I keep her living?
I thought back on my mom and how awesome she must have been to have raised 6 of these.
Some days it was just me and her crying ALL day. together.
Most days I thought, Do I even love this child? Because sometimes I feel like I hate her. She just cries at me and I give her everything.
I often thought that maybe we jumped into this whole parent thing too quickly. I didn't accomplish enough, I didn't work long enough. I didn't "live" long enough.
I thought why do I want to do this all day? Why did I choose to be a stay-at-home mom? Would I feel more accomplished if I was working?*
Then I thought, do I love my child because I'm having these horrible thoughts about her? I must not be a good mom. I can't do this!
I later learned that these thoughts are all natural!
*Disclaimer: This is NOT a stab at working mothers. They are awesome. I know that lots of moms don't have the opportunity to be at home, and others choose to work. I have friends who do both. They are not any less of a mom.
With lots of prayer and support, slowly, those negative thoughts started to die and I realized the happy moments and the value of being a mother. I realized that I'm still "living" and can still have the same goals and desires I've always had, they just might be on a different timeline. Some weeks these happy moments are few, but other weeks they multiply daily.
Every baby is different. This is sometimes a hard fact. If all babies were the same, and came with the same handbook, mothers everywhere would have it a lot easier. My baby was born with the ability to cry, ALL. THE. TIME. (and this is NOT an exaggeration) She was a very colicky baby. All she did was cry, until she was about 4 months old. She still cries today, but its A LOT less. However, my daughter is 5 1/2 months old now, and I still struggle with being a mom. Some days it's hard to accept that I'm at this point in my life, and some days I wish I brought home the bacon, and my husband was the caregiver. In fact, most days are really hard for me. However, there are those days where Raelyn just melts my heart, and I love to watch her grow and experience new things.
I really admire the moms who just go into motherhood loving every minute of it. I also admire moms that have it much harder than me i.e. twins, triplets, or even quints. Mothers who have lost a child, miscarried, or have a child born with a disability, even mothers who are trying, but haven't had the opportunity yet to be a mom. Yet, they still find the strength to continue on and find happiness doing it. Those mothers give me hope, inspiration, and strength. My heart goes out to them.
I am very fortunate to have a healthy baby, and a loving and supporting husband. We have family close by that help out a lot, and I have awesome friends including mommy friends who support me as well. But, some days being a mom is just hard. Since I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, I thought it was easy. I thought it would be fun, and I thought it was going to bring me the ultimate happiness. (which is still possible it just hasn't happened yet). In fact, because it is so hard for me, I have decided to challenge myself to find the good in it. I know there is joy in it, and I know that as she grows each day there will be something new that's awesome, and something new that's hard. So, everyday for the next year. (Until February 6th of 2015) I am going to write something everyday that I love about being a mom. My blog isn't to complain about being a mom, but to write about the hard times that hopefully other moms can relate with. To also talk about what has made me happy about being a mom, even in the hard times. I know that I'm a new mom, so my hard times are going to be different than other moms' hard times. However, all moms go through their hard times.
I hope to eventually get comments from other moms who can relate, or who would like to share how they find the strength each day to keep going, or moms who love it everyday, or who feel inspired, or who have a story to tell. I have lots of stories to tell about my journey in becoming and being a mom.
I know that I love my daughter, and I know that I will one day look around at my grown children and be grateful that the Lord entrusted ME to be their mother. This is just my HARD and JOYOUS adventure getting there. ;)
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