Part II
Although I have learned and grown a lot over the past year, I have also struggled and continue to struggle with certain aspects of being a mom: (If anyone has or had similar trails and struggles, please share.)
- I don't like being alone. Let me rephrase. I HATE being alone. At least 3 times a week I'm at home by myself for a major part of the day. Steven works and goes to school, so some days I don't see him until late at night. I try to make meaningful connections with those around me, but I still find days where I'm alone with my thoughts. My thoughts are not good to me.
- I don't feel very productive or accomplish some days. I could clean my whole apartment, feed, clean, and watch a baby, budget our money, run, AND make dinner and I still feel unaccomplished. I try to make a to do list so that I can check off and see all the things that I've done. I also try to report all the things I do to my husband. I think a big reason for this is that half the things I do are seen by no one and no one outside my family depends on me. Half the things I do can be put off until tomorrow.
- Sometimes I miss doing what I want when I want to do it. I miss spending almost all my time with Steven, going on vacations, having extra money, staying out late, and running an errand that takes 10 minutes, to only take 10 minutes. I hate that sometimes I get caught up in thinking about the past, and how much easier things were back when. I usually kick it out of my head now, but it still pops up every once and a while.
- It scares me to think of having more kids. I'm still afraid to have more kids. I know that I will, and I feel like I will, but it still scares me. I never wanted my kids to be very far apart in age, but now I try to measure how far apart I can make them while still being in the same decade. I feel as though I can barely handle one. How am I suppose to handle 2? Let alone, 3?
Looking back on Rae's first few months, I know that I have improved on these things. However, I also thought that by a year, I would be over these things. This has discouraged me the most. I was expecting to be somewhere as a person and mother, and I'm not. It is an ongoing trial for me. I find and pray for ways to improve all the time. I know that I'm where the Lord wants me to be, which gives me the hope and courage to press on, especially on days that I'm really struggling.
I wish there was a magic answer, I wish I could say all of those things go away with time, but for me they haven't. I was talking to my sister about this just the other day. We both have five and while they keep you busy there is still a lot of down time. We talked about how hard it is to answer the simple question, "how was your day? " hmmm... well it was fulfilling yet empty, busy yet boring, exciting yet more lonely then ever, motivating yet discouraging at the same time. It's hard to answer such a simple question when your day has so many emotions of not just you but small children as well. I've always liked the idea of a sister wife, ha! Not sharing husband's but houses. They have a wing and we have one but share kitchens and common areas. Sometimes I think if I could have a best friend to talk through the mundane tasks of my day with the mommy world would be much more fun on a day to day. I feel these things regularly yet I wouldn't trade being at home with my babies one bit, and truly mourn the loss when they go off to school. Being a mom is such a jumble of emotions.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever wondered why the truly worthwhile things in life are so difficult, such as school, marriage, and parenthood? We go into these ventures with some high ideals, and then, reality gets in the way. We want to do everything right and to be the best we can be in every situation, but somehow, we find ourselves lacking. We look at others and see "perfection" all around us, so then we wonder, "What's the matter with me?" We run through the list--
ReplyDelete1. I have a great husband and marriage.
2. I have a beautiful child.
3. I have the privilege of staying home with her and watching this amazing little person grow and develop.
4. Why isn't this enough for me? Is there something wrong with me?
Rachel had some great insights, and I would suggest that you talk to each other on the phone frequently. It was b/c of a wonderful friend that I learned to be happy and fulfilled in the motherhood role, and she spent many hours on the phone with me, encouraging me, lifting me up, and all those wonderful things that we need. During the course of our conversation, we shared insights about the gospel, and she became a teacher to me. Since her world had been so gospel-centered having been born into a dedicated family, she knew little about the "outside" world, and I was able to be her teacher. Our friendship worked well b/c we both were able to put into it and take out what we needed.
One thing that helped me a lot was to find a friend that I could trade babysitting time with. It was worth taking my turn at having extras around when I knew that I would also get some time to myself. It sounds to me that you need a hobby, something that will provide you with the intellectual stimulation you need so you don't feel like you're losing your intelligence. This is easier said than done, but it is possible. Everyone needs a corner of themselves that is for themselves, and you are certainly learning about that.
Much as we love our little ones, it is also important to make time for ourselves. I know you enjoy athletics, so is it possible to buy/borrow a jogging stroller and run off the stress? Babies love the ride, and even if they start out crying, they almost always fall asleep after a few minutes. This is an activity that benefits the both of you.
What you are experiencing is completely normal, and I'm sure that you have found other young mothers through your blog. It's difficult to explain to others how monotonous it becomes changing diapers, feeding meals that somehow get all over you, and repeat this numerous times throughout the day and night. Steven is not there and probably doesn't fully understand your frustration, and that is also completely normal. Early childhood is difficult, especially when you feel as if your mind is shrinking and you're losing your ability to communicate as an adult! There are no easy answers, but it helps a lot to build something for yourself into each day. You can become quite adept at accomplishing a lot in 30 minutes!
As for having another child, it's alright to wait when you feel this conflicted. You have always listened to the spirit, and you will know when the time is right. I never would have had 6 children if the Lord hadn't pushed me along the way! As Raelyn continues to grow and develop, it will be easier to integrate her into some aspects of your life that aren't possible right now. I always found the one's to be more difficult than the two's b/c they don't have the verbal skills to communicate, so they get frustrated and scream a lot. The good news is that the next child is usually much easier for you b/c you know what to expect and can appreciate more of the little joys that you missed with the first one. You are an amazing person and an amazing mom! Be kind to yourself!
Thank you Rachel and Sis. Domenico for sharing. I really enjoyed reading your comments.
ReplyDeleteRachel, it is so true. I think you said it perfectly. I feel the same way about answering the "how was your day?" question. And YES, a "sister" wife would be great! haha. I do have a mom friend that I try to spend time with because we just work on our stuff, but with company. It helps a lot. I agree, its all just crazy emotions because some days I feel truly blessed to be a mom and like my life is great!
Sis. Domenico, I loved your advice and validation. I'm glad you both have dealt with these feelings. I totally run through that list. And often I get frustrated because how can I complain when I have all those things on my list. It's hard. I am very fortunate, like you, to have a great friend that I confide in. We are always there for each other and check in with each other. We actually run together to relieve stress, and it works miracles. It is SO hard to run with a stroller, haha. But love the idea. That is so true, she gets frustrated because she can't communicate, so there are times where I get frustrated as well. I am definitely going to need the Lords help to have more kids. Thank you for your sweet comments!
Thank you ladies! Please keep commenting!
My greatest fear right now is having another baby! It sounds sad because I love Lilian so much but the thought of having two puts me over the edge. I, like you, feel that I will have more kids but when I'm freaking out one way I calm myself is to tell myself that I COULD only have one. If I never feel that it's right to have another baby then I won't do it! (I really don't think that will be the case but it sure lets me breathe a sigh of relief haha.)
ReplyDeleteChristina, I love that idea! I should just start telling myself that. If I don't feel like I should have more, I won't. But I agree, it probably won't be the case, but it does help the breathing. haha. I also think that it doesn't have to be soon. Rae might be 4 by the time I have another one. That helps me too! Thanks for commenting.
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